TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely away from area. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let us have Yet another put the place American Adult males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Everybody a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he ought to halt applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from Area, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following locating the making's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting awareness from Worldwide investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down company."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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